[Below is an excerpt from one of the hottest new chat shows on Lost World Television. All rights reserved@thejellyfarm 2012. No part of this may be re-distributed, re-dubbed or passed on to ohter dinosaurs without the permission of the jellyfarm or Lost World Television.]
I was tiny then but as the ages passed, I got bigger than the corsage, thank goodness and it’s still there, tucked nicely at my belly.
This of course, is the weekly pre-Cambrian talk show where we bring in special guests, dead or alive to stop by my cave, have a chat and tell me what’s new in their pathetic lives.
And tonight, dinos and dinettes, we have a few evolved cavemen who call themselves musicians.
They’ve got a new album out, supposedly inspired by me i.e titled Velociraptor! featuring 10 new songs now playing on all our favourite stations, including ‘Rock Radio’ and ‘Pterodactyl FM’.
Please help me welcome Sergio, Chris, Tom and Ian from Kasabian!
[Audience applauds as Kasabian try to feel their way into the dark cave with their 3D Dino glasses.]
Velociraptor: Welcome! Welcome! Please have a seat. Sorry about the lights. The fireflies went on strike yesterday and we’re now running on minimal manpower.
Sergio: That’s OK Corsage! O should I call you Velociraptor?
Velociraptor: Both are fine. They’re legal names. Here! You can check my birth tablet.
[Tom peeks over.]
Tom: Ah yes! Looks legit Velociraptor.
Velociraptor: Thank you. It took 3 years to carve my name into that. Best quality granite!
Sergio: That’s fast! Took my birth tablet sculptor 5 bleedin’ years mate.
Velociraptor: Ohhhhh my!
Chris: Yea, took me mum and dad 6!
Velociraptor: Shameful! They should’ve been stoned!
Ian: They were. Then ripped by a T-Rex.
Velociraptor: Ah, yes. Ahem! Sorry about that. [awkward pause] Right then, tell us about your new album, named after me, I think?
Ian: Yea. It’s called Velociraptor! RAWR!
[Audience roars back wildly.]
Tom: Coz’ we think velociraptor just rolled off the scales there and it reflected the power and energy of the songs on it…
Velociraptor: Our scales are quite something eh? So how long did the album take then?
Sergio: About 2 years.
Velociraptor: Well, that was quicker than your birth tablet wasn’t it?
[Audience bursts out laughing.]
Tom: Haha! Yes, that’s right!
Velociraptor: And what was the inspiration behind the album’s music?
Sergio: Meat-eating carnivores, really.
Tom: Like you! [Tom grins and lets out a laugh.]
[Suddenly Velociraptor gets up, shadowing the whole cave with his body, letting out a huge T-Rex sized roar.]
[The audience gasps out in fear, some ready to make a run for it, others frozen to their seats as the roar engulfs the cave.Kasabian members turn white and stiffen in their seats. Ian, in foetal defense position, blurts out apologetically.]
Ian: Shit! Sorry Sorry! Didn’t mean to offend you!
Velociraptor: O no! That was a roar of approval. [to audience and then to Kasabian] I didn’t scare you did I?
[Audience lets out a sigh of relief and relax in their seats.]
Velociraptor: O, I’m so sorry if I did! I get excited sometimes you see.
Chris: [mumbling to himself] Yeah…’Thought we were going to be minced pie there for a minute.
Velociraptor: What was that Chris?
Chris: O nothing! Nothing Mr V! Heh-heh!
Velociraptor: Well, then. Good! So you’re touring for the album?
Chris: Yes, Yes!
Velociraptor: Where’s your next stop?
Velociraptor: Where’s that?
Tom: Miles from here.
Ian: About 60,000 dinosaur footprints away actually and we’ll be bringing the house down, so fans in Singapore! Watch out!
Velociraptor: Lovely! I wish I could be there to see you play but I’ll be stuck here spring cleaning me cave.
Tom: Well, you’re in luck because we’ll be playing live tonight here on Dino Chat! [The audience screams in delight as Tom beckons his other band-mates to head off to the stage area of the cave] Let’s go guys!
Velociraptor: Wow! Awesome! [to the audience] Everyone! Live on Dino Chat! Kasabian with a song off their dino-licious album, Velociraptor!
[Audience claps and goes wild.]
This interview is not fact. It is fiction and stemmed totally from my uncontrollable, silly, play-house imagination. Any reference to Kasabian and its members is purely done out of jest.