113. THE RUT-TUT-TUT-TUT
I’ve been sleeping a lot. I don’t want to talk to anyone and I sure as hell can’t be bothered with a lot of things ‘cept for my music concerts and drinking beers there to psyche myself up.
Today is no different. MAJOR blues despite me shaking it off and trying to think positive.
It’s my life, you see. I feel I have no purpose being on Planet Earth.
Yea, the job’s glamorous — yea, I got to meet some of my idols — I have a great set of friends and family, but every couple of years, I feel that something’s off.
And I’m feeling it now.
I’m feeling like I’m in a rut. Not just a creative burnout but a real rut in my Life.
I wake up everyday like Bill Murray in ‘Groundhog Day’, going about my business and winding it down the same exact way I did the day before and then the next day, it happens all over again. It’s like a CD skipping and set to ‘Repeat’ mode and it’s driving me crazy.
I don’t function well on repeat mode because I get restless, wanting the next challenge but looks like I’ve pretty much played with the toys I could have and now I need new toys to entertain me.
Well, in a bid not to over-analyse, here are the facts as I experience them:
1. Lately, my heart doesn’t pound with glee or excitement at anything at all, my mind has gone on a vacation, wandering off to some other dimension other than ‘here’ every second and the worst thing is — I don’t even feel creative anymore.
2. I see my art pens/brushes and I don’t feel like picking it up.
3. I see my unfinished script or production beats and I don’t feel like working on it. My mind goes blank.
4. I have lovely cameras and I don’t feel inspired to shoot pictures with it.
5. I don’t feel like going to my job and I don’t feel like going home either.
6. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, yet I do and sometimes I don’t even feel like eating but I do anyway.
7. I am sleeping — TOO MUCH.
8. I don’t care about my looks. (Not that I had much to begin with anyway, MISS Ray Romano)
9. I am always tired and feeling sick somewhere.
9. Everything on god’s earth is becoming boring and socially networked such that I’ve become a pro at alienating myself from the masses, always mindful that such interactions can drain me of my precious energy. (We Pisceans are very conscious of energy levels and I usually stay away from people emitting -ve energy as well.)
10. And finally, all my efforts in doing the whole ‘going within’ meditation thing and seeking out the answers as to what my next move should be, these last few months, have been rendered useless as the Universe comes back to me with a blank piece of paper.
THAT’S totally Freddy Kruger scary to me.
I mean no answers?!
None at all? No inner wisdom or insight from the soul funk guru?! No solution to the problem?! Not even levitation?!
YOU’RE KIDDING ME!!!
‘So this is it eh? This is the final frontier, huh?’ I ask of myself when I get no reply.
So yea — It’s unnerving and pretty unsettling to me, especially when I’ve relied on my instincts before to show me a way.
It’s as if I’ve lost my magic powers.
One of my friends suggested it was ‘burnout’ and if it is, the only cure would be to pack it all in, career-wise. I mean, it doesn’t help to stick around doing something if the passion is not there right? Plus, it doesn’t help that I am especially adverse into forcing things to happen. It never works in the long-run to to do that because it just tips your spirit and ‘chakras’ off-balance in every way imaginable. Thus, as I take the passive route, I’m left with no answers.
Hmphf! How awfully convenient since it’s all very odd and ’emo’ for me right now.
The only thing I know is that all this ain’t right and that this is not the reason why I’m here, so something better show up soon or I’ll just continue coasting on with this pallid existence till the afterlife.
ONE BIG FAT SIGH TO END THIS POST & A COMIC STRIP…………