112. TOP 10 REGRETS O’ THE DECADE
While everyone is singing praises for the ‘Knew Ear’, I’d like to settle down now with my overloaded holiday digestive system and think about the Top 10 things I DIDN’T get to do in this last decade. Gnash! Gnash!
So here they are in no particular order for your reading pleasure but please don’t complain if you smell an onion-induced fart of grouchiness in any of the items on this list.
10. I didn’t get to kill George Bush when he tactically murdered the world’s economy during his second term as President from 2004 – 2008. I’d say he’s really a lucky man to have evaded my many assassination attempts including sending a battalion of jihad-ready terrorists to the White House as janitors to engulf the place in stink bombs. I was hoping he would die of a stink bomb induced coma. Unfortunately of course….. *Sigh* He’s still running around like a Texas farm dog with his tail between his legs. What a lucky BERK!
9. I didn’t get the Nobel Peace Prize for maintaining peace in my family. Do you know what a bunch of mentals I live with? Getting through a day with these people in peace literally takes sooooo much effort, I could’ve built a few pyramids in Egypt in the process.
8. They didn’t give me a starring role in ‘Lost’, the TV series. I mean Sayid could’ve definitely used a girlfriend character. Sheesh!! JJ Abrams is a racist I tell ya!
7. I didn’t invent Facebook and then have a few Hollywood people make an Oscar-tipped fictional film out of my story. DAMN!
6. I regret not inventing the iPhone either. Steve Jobs is really not an interesting character to make a fictional film out of, c’mon! I mean, what would they call the film eh — ‘I-film’? Gosh, terribly original innit?
5. I didn’t become a Catholic nun in Italy, making pasta and growing tomatoes all day. That way, I could have evaded the million people in my community who’ve interrogated me so far as to why I’m not married or have a bf at 37! That’s because I’m an extra-terrestrial life-form sent by Lord Coloniopus from the 38th Plasma Nebula Grid to Earth to spy on all you people! Now shoo! Go away and leave me to my unidentified flying objects and devices. I’ve got important inter-galactic diplomatic work to do.
4. I didn’t just scrapbook my ex-bosses for being slave drivers. They would’ve looked really nice all scotch taped and marker-penned on paper and then sent to a UN refugee camp in Africa to be used as burning materials for campfires. Mwahhaaahahaaaaa!
3. I didn’t adopt Lady Gaga as a child and get her ready for her true calling – as one of the Na’vi tribe on Planet Pandora.
2. I didn’t tell JK Rowling that Harry Potter and Ron were in fact the gay couple at Hogwarts. Not Dumbledore. With such an emo-bond between these two, you’d wonder if they could be torn apart and still be able to breathe. Come out of the closet already you two! Don’t make me take out my wand and ‘Lumos’ you out. 🙂
1. I didn’t reveal that Michael Jackson is really still alive and well residing on a tiny island off the coast of Neverland. He’s just taking a much needed break from the public eye till he gets his nose together. As we speak, the icon is resting peacefully in a cryogenic facility on the island as he tries to find the key to immortality. Rest in peace Michael till your nose gets better. XX