Does anyone remember that gem of a movie from Francis Ford Copolla in 1983 called ‘The Outsiders’? Here, let me refresh your memory with the video below.

Ahhh, yes, I only watched that film because I had a pizza-sized crush on Matt Dillon, Thomas Howell and of course Ralph Macchio. 🙂

To this day, I still remember the tagline of the film that went “They grew up on the outside of society. They weren’t looking for a fight. They were looking to belong…”

And what a line it is! One that makes you wanna break out from the crowd.

But more so, the film resonated a lot with me when I watched in in ’87 because being a blur-myopic nerd cum moron character from Malaysia in a Singapore secondary school, I don’t think I quite fit in with the masses. Heh-heh!

However, as the years swung by good ole Mr Time, I’ve realised that inherent in my DNA strutucture was a sense of never wanting to be in ‘the crowd’ – to merely function like everyone else in the cowherd.

I wore a pair of glasses a thousand degrees in power just so I could see the world with a different view and though I was a nerd, I think I was like Heather Matarazzo’s character in that much loved indie flick “Welcome to the Dollhouse” – all geeky on the outside but totally niche-rebellious on the inside with a quirky sense of humour.

And that has somewhat made people somewhat wary of me, probably because I don’t sit around and tow people’s line, I suppose.  It’s hard ya know to do that coz life on the bare fringes is more exciting because you’re not all here and there.

You’re right square in the middle with a propensity to join or ditch either side when the heart longs for a certain experience and that’s just the way I like it – irresponsible living. Haha!

So years later and I’m reviewing ‘The Outsiders’ again and the movie still does something for my freedom-loving soul and how do i know this? Well, several signs really.

As I get older, I find that my fashion sense is becoming more androgynous and I like it. I find myself skipping gently away from all the gender stereotypes that being a female has to fulfill. I also find that I have still many childish characteristics despite everyone I know around me suddenly becoming dull, serious, responsible adults. I still find I like making up bizarre stories, playing tricks on people, desiring to play kid games, doing silly voice impersonations, acting goofy, talking to myself in public, speaking the first things that come to mind and even not wanting any sense of responsibility because it just stresses me and makes me feel literally sick. That’s why acting adult is quite a task for me in and of itself and finding people who understand this oddity about me in a MNC, corporate world is tough.

Hence it’s really odd that I actually like interacting with younger people because erm, we probably still have that same level of maturity when it comes to enjoying life and that’s a good sign because before, there was this concern about why I never quite fit in into any of the social groups or networks, but now I realise it’s OK to be the school weirdo, perhaps because of one’s different view of this big thing we called Life.

I’ve come to accept that there is this innate streak within me that doesn’t want to belong in anyone’s group for the sake of security or to feel ‘cool’ or wanted because I believe that will make me even more myopic about what Life has to offer than I already physically am.

I figure if I have a finger in every pie, I may still be able to accumulate experiences that will contribute to my journey of being curious, creative and always learning.

If one sets one’s sights on being in just one group of friends forever and never allowing oneself to stray from the familiar, one will lose out on gaining a larger perspective of this Universe.

So if you think I’m slightly uncanny, eccentric, bitchy, weird or whatever term people use to label me, I’m not quite sorry that I was born this way.

It is my destiny and what a destiny it is! I’ve met so many people from all walks of life, from the Hollywood star to the poverty stricken girl from a Mumbai slum and I’ve been and seen things so many people haven’t and for that I feel totally blessed and wowed! So yea, I am not complaining one bit although the road to ‘here and now’ was filled with a lot of hard work, blood,sweat heartbreak and tears.

So yea, it’s fun to be play ‘group games’ but nah, I’m not very comfy in groups do well in this thing called group culture. I’m not built for that, I s’pose. It’s too much hard work to conform to the expectations of the group anyway and there’s not much room for one to just be oneself, so guess I do walk alone here in my journey – – a highwayman who stick his thumb out for a ride to his next destination in Life. But it’s all good, man — no regrets whatsoever.

O, and might I add, this is a song that really resonates with me as well. Well, Johnny Cash usually does. This is Highwayman featuring Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson.


About thejellyfarm

In real life, I am a television writer and producer...er no...scratch...a television director....noo, scratch....a media loser.....wait, that doesn't sound quite insulting enough....... OK, ahem. In real life, I'm an idiot box expert with a penchant for the creative. In short, I'm a loser with no focus or direction in life. I just go where the creative flow takes me. Mostly it takes me to clogged up drains and stinky oceans but it's going.......going.....somewhere. And this blog is an expression of that mindblowing roadblock. Creative frustration is a great motivator and here is a result of that.

Posted on June 5, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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