heartIt’s been a week since Nanny’s passing. I know today will be tough emotionally for me because this time last week was her last 2 hours on Earth.

But I don’t want to recount that in my blog today. 

Today, I want to write about how my eyes have been opened on many levels the last week.

Epiphanies are coming through everyday. Veils of illusion being lifted at every turn.

The complex funeral rites culminated in the collection of my granny’s ashes Sunday at the crematorium.

It was quite weird to see how her ashes and bones were carefully arranged to resemble a Keith Harding-like human figure on a metal tray for me and my uncles to conduct the final rites.

I knew my gran was a healthy woman with hardly any problems up until the end when cardiac pulmonary arrest took her and so fascinated yet confused, I took a closer look at what was left.

Her bones were filled with holes (a sign of osteoporosis) and there were lots of them. My uncles said she was a strong and heavy-boned woman and I jokingly replied ‘Yes. It runs in the family’ because all of us are generally tall and big-boned.

But seconds later, a wave of emotions and self-realizations hit me.

She was gone. Really gone.

That’s it.

Reduced to ashes.

Like the Star Trek Enterprise, she had reached the final frontier, except on this one, there’s no return flight.

That was where I had to accept her loss.

The second epiphany was that at the end, we are all reduced to this.

Ash and bones.

And after her ashes had been spread at sea, she was merely fish food.

Yea, and that’s when all the shit I had been complaining about, all the people who had hurt me or loved me and all the materialism and ‘fakeness’ of this world was really reduced to nothingness.

We are nothing. We always are nothing and when we die, our bodies are just that -temporary holding vessels for our spirit.


So really…there’s nothing.

All these masks and faces we wear to protect ourselves is nothing.

All these fears , insecurities, pride, ego and arrogance we have? Guys, it’s nothing.

All of this is made-up as we go along.

And it really is up to us whether we want to play the game or not.

Well, I for one, have decided not to play the game as much as I used to.

In fact, I really don’t want to play any game, wear any mask or be attached to anything material because it ain’t real.

There’s no point.

Only love and kindness of spirit really means anything.

What we remember of a person when they die is their laugh, their unending patience, their love, their words of wisdom and what they gave us as well as what we shared of ourselves with them, both bad and good.

I’m going to say that this experience has taught me to be more focused on what is important in my Life and to cull people, activities or goals that are either less important or don’t feel right to me instinctively.

That’s because I’m done with utilitarian friends, things and an approach to Life which I don’t think is humanly of value.

I think of this time as a time for more self-healing and introspection, a time where I de-clutter my Life of toxicity in whatever form it may take so this short time I have here becomes more meaningful in more ways.

I think I’m done at this point blogging publicly about Nanny. However, I do think she will metamorphisize in some other creative form while I’m still alive and kicking, that I’m sure! 😛

But truly with what she suffered in this Life, coming here to Malaya in the late 30s as a married, yet naive 16-year old, thankfully she died in peace.  I know I NEVER could’ve done what she did, as other arrange-married young Indian women of that era must’ve gone through. It simply must have been terrifying and heartbreaking to have been torn away from one’s family and homeland at such a vulnerable age.

That’s why to me, she was truly a strong woman (and not just her bones).

But not only that. She was a great cook (I’m compiling a book of her recipes), a tough, yet loving mother and supportive grandmother and most of all a selfless woman with a great chuckle and perfect dentures.

And I love ya!


About thejellyfarm

In real life, I am a television writer and producer...er no...scratch...a television director....noo, scratch....a media loser.....wait, that doesn't sound quite insulting enough....... OK, ahem. In real life, I'm an idiot box expert with a penchant for the creative. In short, I'm a loser with no focus or direction in life. I just go where the creative flow takes me. Mostly it takes me to clogged up drains and stinky oceans but it's going.......going.....somewhere. And this blog is an expression of that mindblowing roadblock. Creative frustration is a great motivator and here is a result of that.

Posted on August 7, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. am obiously been such a dolt and did not checked your blog for a while…so sorry about your loss 😦

    • My prayers are with you. I know it’s a struggle to cope with the loss of some you love and I can only surmise the pain you’re feeling right now. You’re a strong woman and your grandma has finally find peace wherever she is. Take care chica.

      • Thanks babe! Like I mentioned to Neens – quite exhausting on all fronts. Am coping (I hate that word) and generally better but when a sad song comes on or something that reminds me of Gran, I start tearing up. [sigh] Just little moments like that. Just taking some time out for a bit and going into my cave so if y’all don’t hear from me in awhile, don’t worry. Am doing some creative stuff to express the emotions. Btw, just got caught up on your blogs about Bekasi. Sounds like a nice place. I’m glad you’re settling in with that big open mind and heart of yours. 🙂 Keep us looped in. I’ll be reading….TC babes!

    • Hey no worries! I measure up quite high on the dolt scale too. Thanks for checking in though. It’s been rough physically and emotionally getting the funeral and subsequent 16th day prayers and staying awake for the wake. Then dealing with the grief. Quite an exhausting time for me but am taking time out for a bit and slowing down. How’s life with you?

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