55. A CROSSROAD

With funeral rites over and tears spilled over grannie’s demise, something has changed in the air for me. I’ve decided Life is going to be more meaningful for me, not just wasted days in a cubicle office doing meaningless work, in a meaningless country with meaningless pursuits. There IS more to Life than this. 

In fact, most of what I do is meaningless. A job, the pursuit of money, the accumulation of material wealth, status and standing amongst society etc.. My posessions. All that is nothing compared to having quality time with the people you love and actually pursuing things that matter and make a difference. With grandma’s death, I have realised that I am going to have to streamline my Life. I have realised it’s about doing the things that feel MOST RIGHT to you, no matter what anyone says. To do the things that MATTER and have MEANING. And I don’t mean material things, money etc.

It’s about the saving of an animal, putting a smile on a person’s face, helping the abandoned or helpless, appreciating a flower, a tree, a forest and just giving. Life’s not a competition. It’s an experience. 

Not that I didn’t do this before, but somehow, helplessly, in the throbbing pulse of city life, these things started taking a backseat as I went about daily meaningless routines of work.

Well, Life is taking a turn and has changed my perspective drastically the last 2 days with granny’s passing on.

I have many regrets that are causing me grief and deep, unimaginable pain at the moment of how I could have made her last days here on Earth better, seeing how much she gave so much of herself to me, helping my parents to raise me. But I know that this regret and pain have a reason for their existence. They’re not here for any old reason. Obviously, they will act as motivators for me to live a better Life from now onwards. 

How better, I don’t know at the moment, since this world of economics, career, money, status and ‘face’, has such a huge role and impact in so many of our lives, somehow, sustaining a meaningful method of existence may fizzle out in the end due to physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion.

But I’m going to try. Hey, I’m eccentric anyway so why not defy the silly laws of money & economics anyway? And some people think I’m weird but go ahead. I don’t really care anymore. I’m bored and tired of playing ‘the game’. Of playing everyone’s silly trivial, materialistic games because you know what? 

They have no meaning.

So thank you Grandma. Your gifts to me are unending and precious. You will ALWAYS be a special lady, a triumphant lady and a heroine on all counts. Rest in peace dear one. My heart grieves deeply for you and the tears are still running as I look back on your incredible sufferings and sacrifices you made for your family (for us) and in Life. I am by your side and your spirit, your wisdoms and your oh-so-delicious family recipes will live on in me.

I will see you when I see you. I love you Grandma no matter what and I regret not being your hero but I will endeavour to make you proud of me.

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About thejellyfarm

In real life, I am a television writer and producer...er no...scratch...a television director....noo, scratch....a media loser.....wait, that doesn't sound quite insulting enough....... OK, ahem. In real life, I'm an idiot box expert with a penchant for the creative. In short, I'm a loser with no focus or direction in life. I just go where the creative flow takes me. Mostly it takes me to clogged up drains and stinky oceans but it's going.......going.....somewhere. And this blog is an expression of that mindblowing roadblock. Creative frustration is a great motivator and here is a result of that.

Posted on August 1, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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