42. O… O….DEAR AUNT OPPIE

lipstickOld Oppie has become our very own sensational bra-strapped be-real woman of the new millenium. (see picture below)

Her TV show has come a long way from its gritty ‘let’s deal with some ghetto issues’ to sophisticated daytime entertainment to ingest and cultivate in your life.

From how to live, how to eat, how to look, how to think and even how to breathe, the Oprah show gives you every desired crutch in life you can think of to put the pieces back in your shattered life, no matter how many pieces you got shattered into in the first place.

And from home-baked book clubs to ungodly giveaways (even God hasn’t done this much giveaways since water was turned into wine by old ‘J’) Oprah’s show has, I noticed always leaped from phase to phase.

Now while I am a true devotee of Aunt Oprah and her great wisdoms of the last 2 generations, I can’t help but take a step back and go hmmmm….

No,not an ‘A-ha!’ moment, but really a ‘Hmmmmmm…..’ (And I should copyright that soon before it gets stolen from me 🙂 )

‘Hmmmm…’ because now that she’s all wealthy and hyped up annually on the Forbes ‘Wealthiest People List’, I’m beginning to feel that all the O platforms she’s launched through the years have become vehicles for her own little self-indulgences.

Self-indulgence is OK. I mean who doesn’t knock up a can of whipped cream all over themselves on weekends and lick themselves clean eh?

But shoving it like Harry Potter shoving a bezoar’s stone down Ron Weasley’s  throat onto the weekly viewer is a tad bit too much and I would say a sign that someone needs to bring those ghetto kids and their stories back in as a reality check for the show.

But do distributors care? 

Nah, of course not! They’re too busy watching the ratings and boy does Oppie’s talk show rate…..like a currency on fire!

Why?

Well maybe coz Oppie has deadly giveaway power. That’s right folks! Superheroes come with all sorts of gimmicks whether it’s the sexy red underwear or the gothic car and cape. So like those superheroes, you’ve got Oprah and her ‘kind’ sponsors from GM, Lowe’s, record labels or DVD distributors and hey even Skinny Cow ice-cream. (Hey, I’ve done my research people!)

And every week, viewers wanna tune in not only to watch the topic being featured but also to see if and what Aunt Oppie’s going to be giving away to her lucky audience.

Also, Aunt Oppie’s deep pockets and celebrity connections also mean another thing. Sheer star power and Oppie’s got that too. When she raises her little Harpo wand, they comes a calling to promote their new flick, record or just their new charity.

And in tribute to such a powerful TV magnate, let’s take a look back at some of these favourite Oppie moments, shall we?

1. Remember the Maya Angelou/Colour Purple phase? The phase where Oprah was constantly prodding the nation’s black populations to seek empowerment for themselves? I thought the Jackson 5 and Motown already did that back in the 50s but if Aunt Oppie insists, well, I can’t argue with her royal purpleness, can I? After all, I didn’t have ancestors who played the blues or spun cotton. My lineage is from coconuts….Kerala coconuts. Our kind of music was made when we threw the coconuts we picked down on passersby’s heads.

2. Oh, and then there was the Tom Cruise phase (which still is going on till today) Outbursts of how great Tom Cruise is as an actor and many, many, many interviews with the man, in and out of the studio. Now c’mon Oppie, just admit you have a crush on him and ask him to marry you will ya? 

3. Then there was the Hurricane Katrina phase. Who cares about the tsunami that wiped out hundreds of thousands in Asia when the city of New Orleans became one big community swimming pool? 

4. Oh, o, o and then we had Peter Walsh and his Clutter Crew, the man with the exceptional ‘clut-pertise’ to spruce and juice up your home even though it looked like a garbage collection facility. Pete and his clutter gnomes (with a little bit of help and credit logos/mention from Lowe’s) would bust in there like cops on a raid and virtually ‘de-clit’…er I mean ‘de-clut’ your pad and along the way, he’d brainwash you into thinking you’re a useless heap of rubbish psychologically (which is why you started accumulating so much in the first place). I loved Peter Walsh and his ‘Clut Crew’. That was one of Aunt Oppie’s best opuses in that whole symphony of self-indulgent series of shows.

5. And then for all hypochondriacs out there, there was Dr Memet Oz (or how I affectionately like to call him Dr Turkey) because he was from that particular poultry of a country. A poultry sorta country. 🙂 Dr Oz is sheer organic entertainment. What I liked about his eps was how he was so good at making Aunt Oppie squirm in her garters when he brought in body parts for demo purposes. Suddenly the Oprah show was beginning to look like a bio lab and the audiences, soon-to-be lab rats. Dr Oz would come in, literally take over the show from Aunt Oppie, and tell you why eating grass is the healthiest thing you can do on the planet to stay healthy and well into the 100s.

6. And then there was the Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth phase where Oppie suddenly transforms into a student or spirituality as she analyses chapter by chapter with her new spiritual guru, the guidelines to living a spiritually enhanced life in this modern age. Frankly, I just enjoyed reading the book and gaining my own wisdoms from it. ‘Nuff said. 

7. O, and let’s not forget how in this time of recession, financial health is quintessential to your survival. And nobody does that better than Auntie Suze Orman with her blunt revelry and super-perfect Crest-white smile. Denture perfect! Suze Orman was my favourite phase amongst all the tiddly-tonker distraction phases I mentioned above. Why? Because Suze never minced her words. She gave you the meat like it ’twas. Simple financial skills to survive the economic jungle.

You get 2 mortgages on your house with an annual income of USD$100,000 ……………………You’re dead.

You rack up a USD$10,000 credit card bill with late charges and 24% interest………….Dead.

You spend USD$10 on a daily Starbucks cuppa on an monthly income of USD$2,500………..Dead.

You got divorced with no child support and gambled your life savings away…………….Dead.

You earn USD$200,000 a year and want to retire at 50 yet still have to pay for your kid’s college………..Dead.

You earn tacos and want to shell out on margaritas………..Dead.

 

Yup! Gotta love, love, love Suze Orman. The dame with the deadly advise.

 

8. And now, of course the current phase is the charity deco phase with Nate. Yup, the designer gay guy with a big fireside heart. Got a sob story that accompanies an equally sad and weepy living space? Ask Nate. And surprise, surprise! Lowe’s and Nate will drive up your house, shoo you out and create a deco miracle worthy of mention in the New Testament! Laff, laff!

 

So yeah, mates. That’s the power and the beauty of an Oprah Winfrey show for ya. She loves raking them in and ever noticed how they all go on to host their own shows after that?

Yeah, so dats superhero media power for ya. So here’s a word of advise – you wanna get your own show, be an expert in something, anything. Write a book about it and hope Auntie Oppie reads it and gets you on her show on a regular basis. And who knows?

You might be spinning some major pocketmoney and superhero skills of your own in no time!

Good luck peeps!

 

6.

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About thejellyfarm

In real life, I am a television writer and producer...er no...scratch...a television director....noo, scratch....a media loser.....wait, that doesn't sound quite insulting enough....... OK, ahem. In real life, I'm an idiot box expert with a penchant for the creative. In short, I'm a loser with no focus or direction in life. I just go where the creative flow takes me. Mostly it takes me to clogged up drains and stinky oceans but it's going.......going.....somewhere. And this blog is an expression of that mindblowing roadblock. Creative frustration is a great motivator and here is a result of that.

Posted on July 11, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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