28. GIRLY PT 2

flowerI’m baccckkk and in serious business to get back to Part 2 of my girly whirly post!

An EHow article on the Internet lists out the following tips on how godforsaken she-males like me can attain feminine nirvana effortlessly whether we’re in G-strings or garters.

And if you’ve voluntarily left your brains and confidence at the ‘Lost and Never Will be Found’ counter, these tips can definitely help you.

 Step 1 – Experiment with makeup. Even if they were cruelly tested on animals, labrats and unsuspecting transsexuals. Keep it minimal and natural looking. For a simple change, try different shades and sheens of lipstick all at the same time!

Get a makeover at a pet salon or get advise from a funeral cosmetics expert. Hey! If they can make DEAD PEOPLE look good, think of what they can do for you! The makeup application may be a little stronger than you will physically be comfortable with, but its a good way to learn how to apply makeup, even when in the ICU or in a wheelchair.

Step 2 – Make time for good grooming, or have it done professionally together with your dog. Keep your eyebrows neat just in case they have ticks. Remove any or all goatees, moutaches and beards because as women, you’re NOT supposed to have any facial hair. In fact, it’s best if you look like a smooth-skinned taut-faced alien. Keep your hair washed and conditioned and get a good haircut especially if you have smelly underarms. They don’t match. It doesn’t have to be trendy as long as it’s soft, neat and not doing a monkey bar in your face.

Step 3 – Incorporate more feminine clothing into your wardrobe, especially the ones that make you look like a tramp, which is the styles of so many girly clothing these days. Substitute comfortable sneakers for high-heel shoes that ruin your spine when you grow old. Replace baggy comfy masculine t-shirts with ones that are more fitted in neutral or pastel colors that cut off your oxygen supply in 2 minutes flat.

Step 4 – Add accessories like earrings, bracelets, necklaces and handbags, even when you are just wearing jeans and a t-shirt, so you look like an accessory shop offering a 50% sale.

Step 5 – Use good grammar how manicured and polished you are. Refrain from using vulgar words or profanity unless you’re being raped or abused.

Step 6 – Smile. Have confidence that your bad breath is enough to kill any man, woman, child, animal or insect on this planet.

Step 7 – Stand up straight. Be aware of your posture. Hold your chin up and walk gracefully like a giraffe. Then see if you can reach up to a few leaves and chew on them.

And that, kids, are some useful steps to finding your inner girlfriend.

We think these tips will not only get you loads of useless boyfriends and bad sex, but they will also help make your life an ultimate miserable search for the perfect man who will never make you happy because you were too clingy and lazy not to find ways to understand and love yourself as a PERSON in the first place.

Good luck ladies!

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About thejellyfarm

In real life, I am a television writer and producer...er no...scratch...a television director....noo, scratch....a media loser.....wait, that doesn't sound quite insulting enough....... OK, ahem. In real life, I'm an idiot box expert with a penchant for the creative. In short, I'm a loser with no focus or direction in life. I just go where the creative flow takes me. Mostly it takes me to clogged up drains and stinky oceans but it's going.......going.....somewhere. And this blog is an expression of that mindblowing roadblock. Creative frustration is a great motivator and here is a result of that.

Posted on June 4, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. i highly recommend you make a howcast vid of this one 😉

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