20. ONLY LONELY
Aw, c’mon Skyliner Peace aside, you didn’t think I was going to sit here and blog about how all the merry joys of peace, love and a pickled brain could do you some good now, did you? Geez, cut me some bitchin’ slack, you guys! 😛
No offence to the piss that’s taken out of my life most days, but I thoroughly do enjoy peace, some hush-hush and a closet full of fresh undies and clothes.
However, I do take some serious efforts to maintain some level of solitary confinement in my daily humdrum existence. (That’s a great form of capital punishment btw :P).
And I must proudly announce, that in that department, I do have an obvious and rather obnoxious advantage over the rest of my friends/acquintances/work colleagues & other strange beings that hang around me.
Yes, and that advantage is that I’m a god-friggin’ ONLY CHILD.
Now, let’s say that with more gusto now…
OK, now that you’ve got the words entrenched somewhere safe in your biological makeup, it’s time for more insights on this segment of the world’s population. The segment I called the ‘Only Lonelies’.
But before you go all ballistic on me with all the obvious ‘only child’ stereotypes you read about in some lousy Cosmo magazine article, let me get to your bottoms for this…er, I mean the bottom of this.
1. Only children are not all spoilt, brash and incapable.
2. They’re not all lucky because they’re inheriting their parent’s multi-million dollar assets and wealth. Some will inherit, others will just die in their own puke on some unknown street…….[Jelly pauses to think about the evil-ness of that statement before realising it’s fuh-knee but proceeds to soften the harshness of statement with a ‘Just Kidding!’ phrase anyway]
3. They do not whine when faced with trouble and finally
4. Only children do not have distended intestines. That usually happens to the black sheeps in the family, normally those having more than 2 kids in the household.
I rest my case and my lousy census report.
On the other hand, given the paradox of Planet Universe (or was that the other way) and its workings, you might want to re-think the above-mentioned stereotypes again, because Life has its own agenda and normally it’s served up nice and steamy as the eternal struggle between polar opposites.
And if you’re as ‘quantum-kinetic’ as I am, I’d say those pointers could be ripped apart like your grandpa’s retired rocking chair coz ‘Only Lonely’ children do display the following.
1. They exhibit older child and youngest child characteristics. (Sorry, all you middle, conflicted kids 🙂 )
2. They can be dominating. It’s our way or the highway. Our philosophy is simple – We were born alone. We’ re sure as hell going off alone. No siblings required.
3. All or nothing. Period.
4. We are good decision makers coz all our lives, we faced no opposition from dissenting parties, warring factions or dreaded diseases. 😉
4a. And this is a sub-point from the above. We were all vaccinated for dreaded diseases btw.
5. We can be slightly kooky and live in our heads all too often. The world’s our imagination and our pay check, all at the same time. How dichotomous is that!
6. Indulgent……..Yes, I hate to admit it but indulgence is a weakness – it’s the perennial Archilles heel; that infamous slump in Britney Spear’s non-existent pop career; the urinary tract infection on a dehydrated day….GAWD! Yes! Without any parental advisory or a 6 o’clock Muslim prayer call to warn us of impending danger, indulgence can catch us by the balls from nowhere, swinging us for a never-ending loop on a broken record.
And then all of a sudden, we’re indulged in – completely.
And it’s pathetic. Imagine sinking slowly but surely into a quagmire of quick sand. Yes, it’s the same exact feeling.
So that’s some of the traits I am distinctly sure fits the description of only children and I’m sorry to disappoint all you Fruedian/Maslow fans out there with your Oedipus/Electra complexes firmly etched onto your nugget of a brain.
We are pretty normal at the end of the day, give or take a possible psychotic parent or two. 🙂
In fact, according to studies, we are highly driven and motivated, successful and high achieving, kinda like a super efficient terra-byting computer connected to this ultra dominatrix GameBoy giga-hertz technology.
Super wowzers!! I’m impressed already!
So it doesn’t look like we’re that condemned after all. There is still hope, however nano-miniscule it may be at the moment.
And we’ll still be out there offering up the world’s best conundrums and creations. Kinda like this blog. 😛
Personally, I feel answering the dilemma of the only child is like trying to find out why a chimpanzee prefers peanuts and bananas to an upsized taco grande.
After all, everybody in illegal exotic restaurants in China knows the chimp tastes better.
Oh, look at the time!
I’ve hit controversial o’clock! Almost forgot I had a kitty whacking session out in the neighbourhood.