14. THE BIG HAIR FALLOUT
And the previous article is just the pre-teaser to what’s coming up next in this reality blog.
This is an eternal dilemma that has haunted a certain cross-section of the world’s female population – something that has mystified these women for aeons and yet even till today, in an age of modern technological wonders and accompanying wackos, an answer to this perennial problem has not been found.
Yes, ladies, sluts and gentlemen.
The problem I talk about and one that hits close to home (and almost every part of my anatomy actually) is….
Indian women and hair!!!
Bet you didn’t see that coming, did you? And if you did, I’m sorry to say, you got caught in that Southern Indian jungle where the wild pussycats roam and got shredded to bits.
You’re now officially dangling off that one thick strand you’re not even sure will help save your life. Good luck! You really don’t need it but for formality’s sake, I’m just doing it anyway.
That’s right peeps and peepettes.
Indian women and their hair problems have literally been rooted to the ancient and sacred texts – literally!
All the major Indian super sari heroines flaunted the heights of their femininity through their hair.
Even Shiva, the Trent Reznor of Hinduism sported long tresses that even the wishy washy river Ganga couldn’t resist calling home for awhile.
So there you have it. Hair is sexy in Indian mythology. It acts as a powerful spiritual abode and weapon that could bring down the worst demons or win over the fairest in the land.
But like all fairy tales and silly myths, alas, the realities are far from that.
The Indian woman (and men) are slaves to their hair. It is a major epidemic that has attacked the bodies of most Indians.
And it has not spared the women either. In fact, if the population of India and its diasporas reach a hefty 1.5 billion, this current hirsute hullaballoo may be classifed as a global emergency situation by the World Health Organisation.
In such an event, Gillete and Schick would not only be laughing all the way to the bank; they would also be experiencing ultra close shaves with infamous Indian women and their thunder thighs, smelly armpits as well as treacherous Southern jungles.
And they have, thanks to the brainiacs who’ve come up with the lady shavers with soothing aloe vera moisturiser and sexy, curvy silhouettes.
With these babies, you can shave away all your worries in a few simple strokes for a week or two.
But only if you’re Chinese.
Us Indian women and our hair need tougher machines to get rid of our overgrown grass. All these gently, curvy, pinky, titty-assed shavers are NOT going to get the job done.
Can you say lawnmower? 😛
Yes, laugh away people.
But I’m dead serious.
On average, a shaver can only get rid of an Indian woman’s hair problems for about a day. Waxing – maybe about a week. A hair depilator – hmmm….a couple of days, tops.
Why, you may ask.
Well, simply because hair on an Indian woman is strong. It has triceps and biceps on each of its strand, if observe it closely under a microscope.
So if you wanna get rid of it, you’re going to need a really mighty hair remover.
And a lawnmower is the best option.
However, due to size and potential injury sustained from the usage of such devices, my next best recommendation is electrolysis.
And even then, this expensive, ant-bitting laser treatment does not guarantee that all of your hairy problems will disappear.
And how do I know that?
Because I’m currently undergoing a treatment course myself.
As a girl, I always compared myself to a chimp or a species in the ape family, not because they were my closest evolutionary relatives, but also because we share the same shag carpet qualities.
Classmates stroking my hands because of my shaggy arms (and probably getting turned on in the process) wasn’t an uncommon thing.
And topped off with a heavenly looking moustache and an emerging goatee in my 20s, all this kinda made me quite a ‘rug-like’ character.
Hence when I turned 21, I embraced adulthood with my first leg and arm shave.
Needless to say, my bathroom pipes got clogged up on that first ritual rite of passage, but the job was eventually done.
Nice, smooth body from top to bottom.
Visually, at first, I wasn’t used to it and felt more like a just-shaven sheep, with pale, butt naked skin staring back at me but tactile-wise, it was quite a new fresh, feeling.
I felt like the girl in the Rexona ad who could finally fling her arms upwards without a care in the world.
Mini-skirts were suddenly in and so were sleeveless blouses.
At long last, true freedom!
No longer was I the world’s hairiest human baboon. From ‘Hairy’ , I was now Sally!!!
But the excitement came to a screeching halt 2 days later, when the hair grew back.
And this time, it was a disaster!
It was thicker and denser than the original batch!
I was doomed! What, how, what, where and WHO??!
And back into the bathroom I went for another session.
Thus began years of frantic 3 times a week shaving that hasn’t stopped since then.
And through the years, the hair that got removed seemed to emerge in places you never noticed them to be when you were younger. On your boobies….on your navel….an odd strand on the jaw and worst of all your chin.
Yes, folks, chin hair is an Indian woman’s way of indirectly telling the world, she should be the one wearing the pants in the house.
That goatee literally sneaks up on you as you blow the candles off on your cake each year. And each year, they become, longer and longer and more prominent.
So what do you do?
You either tweeze or shave it off, but be sure that you do a follow-up the very day and half later because as you sleep, the regimen of strands grows again.
Also, if you are one of those women who don’t have the time to do that, then there are 2 things you can do.
1. ALWAYS find creative ways to place your hands on your chin. We don’t care what you do – rub it or just rest your face on it. Just place ’em on your chin. Who knows? You might even come out looking intelligent, or at the very least a calculative looking villain from a Hong Kong movie.
2. NEVER and I mean NEVER, stand against the sunlight where the rays will capture your growth and highlight it. When talking to prominent people at a party or with your boss, choose to make contact or conversations in a shaded or dark area of the room. I remember doing that in my boss’s office once and she laughed out loud at the sight of it 3-day old growth. Needless to say, I haven’t stood in the light since.
However, I am hoping that after this 5-course treatment on my chin, that my goatee will be eliminated forever. If it returns, I swear to God, I am so going to write a B-grade horror feature on this topic.
But until then, here’s one thing to remember about Indian women and their hair.
Please, don’t give us grief over it. I mean we battle this problem from the time we are born. It’s in our genes.
We can’t help it that we are still some of the later evolved humans on the evolutionary scale or that our parents are shag carpets.
It just makes us all the more charming and nicer to the touch!