9. AN ANGRY MOTHER’S DAY
My mother and I have had a rocky relationship since I was little. 2 weeks ago, we had the ‘mother’ of all fights where there was some major verbal abuse.
I’m not proud but neither can I say I felt bad.
It was a much needed argument in the right direction. A direction I don’t think she or my Dad would understand.
I don’t want to be the duty-bound Indian chick they want me to be.
I have my own artistic sense of life and the more I try to behave according to their rules and conduct of behaviour, the more my creative side is going to suffer. The side that really is my life and my purpose on this planet.
And it HAS suffered.
We’re not friends. We’re just housemates. So what is there left except duty?
I don’t tell her a single thing that matters the most to me because she won’t understand.
To me, the word ‘Mom’ is just a name; a title to call her by, but other than that, I’m not sure what else she really is in my life except a provider who never demo’ed her love in anyway except being the abusive disciplinarian and critic.
Her role in my life was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive and that’s all I can remember about her.
The pain she inflicted on me as a child – The fear, the lack of self-confidence, the anger and rebellion but most of all, the lack of self-love , which has till today affected my ability to love anyone 100%, still haunts me today.
I hate to say it but while you know something debilitating like that exists within you and that you need to change, oddly enough, it’s also a comforting crutch you lean on as a protective measure for life’s sudden whiplashes.
And of course, you hold a lot back and never allow anyone near your heart….
But now….through this blog. I’m hoping to conquer some of those demons because there’s no way to do that except face them and be honest that you do have some.
So I believe this year is a turning point for me. A point of no return.
To take a plunge and just fall.
Where I will end up, I’m not sure but I think with my spiritual wisdom and inner intuitive guide, I will be safe.
I will be OK.
So you have a good one mom. I gotta thank you for making me the angry, feisty and strong bitch that I am.