62. BABY GOT BACK

Noo…and I don’t mean that I have a rump the size of Frisco, what I mean is this baby’s back!

Yes, after a couple of months hiatus, I’m ready to get this blog blogging again with insights, tirades and superpoke articles that will get my conscience and hopefully, the readers conscience nudged and prodded as well.

So the big question is ‘What HAVE I been up to since I deserted the troops?’

Well, quite a lot really.

Some quite uplifting.

Others downright capitalist.

Let’s tackle the uplifting activities first eh?

Mostly, I took time out here to grieve and get away from mental and emotional noise.

Work got really demanding for awhile as well, so I felt I needed some balance.

Well, health experienced a bit of a blow as well the last few months, which saw me struggling with tummy problems, anxiety attacks and even a bout of severe dehydration where I nearly passed out and had to be brought to the docs.

Then, right after Gran passed away, I found myself obsessed with one of my first loves – art. Suddenly I had all these colours and drawings to do and so I’ve been doing a lot of canvas cavorting, you could say.

Then, I spent an enlightening 2 weeks in my hometown of Kerala, India where not only did time come to a standstill but I laid to rest Gran’s final ashes. Not an easy day, by any count, but another opportunity at release.

I also got to go to Tokyo and meet Hollywood actress, Scarlett Johansson and interview her PLUS have a few drinks with her at her VIP Lounge whilst doing a shoot at a champagne event in which she was the brand ambassador of. How cool was that eh?

And speaking of celebs, I got to interview and meet Lewis Hamilton, the F1 driver, interview the Backstreet Boys and up and coming Brit indie group, Raygun.

All in all, I would say, a pretty whirlwind few months.

Now to the darnright capitalist stuff.

Well, I also took the time to make a 3 minute short with a couple of friends and am also now working on a new 12-minute short for the Singapore Film Commission.

I also spent quite a lot of time putting in the foundation for a few new stand-up comedy blogs and a self-funded Internet comedy series which will probably be out end 2011.

I also do freelance lomo photography for weddings and special occassions AND get this, photography for an online site.

So yea, all in all, I’m one busy lady.

Do I sleep?

Yes, I do but I also thank god, I practise effective time management so I get a helluva lot of things done in a short space of time.

Sometimes even I have trouble believing how much I’ve done.

But that’s me.

The creative Energizer bunny.

Just do and do and do and go and go and go….

61. I’M EVERY WOMAN

Whitney Houston’s recent interview with Oprah was one of the best celeb interviews I’ve seen. It tops even the Michael Jackson one Oppie did back with the superstar in the 90s.

I loved the way how the interview was just such a candid heart-to-heart conversation between two ladies who’ve been through so much suffering and healing in their own ways.

And I also liked how Oppie mentioned how this wasn’t a comeback for Whitney but a ‘come-through’. 

Whitney’s life as many know has been plagued with stains since the mid-90s thanks to her tumultuous and erratic marriage to Booby…er oopps, BOBBY Brown.

And since then, it was hard, for me, and I suppose for many of her fans to stomach the fact that a goody, goody God-loving woman with ‘THE VOICE” like that would marry a man who’s had a fairly unstable background.

But according to her Diane Sawyer interview back in 1992 (yes, the one where she was the erratic one) Whitney said that she and Bob-ster had, in fact, a chemistry and attraction that went quite deep and resulted in their passionate relationship with each other.

Of course, that passion led to a strained and self-destructive path for both Whitney and Bobby as drugs, alcohol, womanising and emotional abuse came into the picture.

And after 13 years of one helluva rollercoaster marriage, Whitney admitted that she had had enough and eventually started moving the furniture and things out of her home.

The interview detailed a lot of intense moments during her turbulent marriage including an episode where Bobby even spit on her face, which shocked me because not only was that ahem, unhygienic but downright insulting. I mean how could you spit on a woman as gorgeous as her?

So as a fan, it was painful to see Whitney taking such a tumble in life as she was a great influencing figure in many of our lives whilst we were growing up. Her talent, clean-cut image and upbringing were inspiring to us at the time and a refreshing change from the trashy, bed-romping antics of Madonna. (Not that we don’t love you Maddie!) It’s just that Whitney exuded a sense of class and dignity to the whole music biz and of course, let’s not forget that voice.

Oh yes, the voice that everybody wanted to sound like. I even remember myself belting out numerous times Whitney Houston songs for my high school talent auditions and always knowing those were great songs to sing if you wanted to be a finalist. Heh-heh!

And for a while now, the fans thought that after her 2002 album, Whitney was going to be relegated to a thing of our past, a shadow of her once glorious self, lugging a whole set of emo baggage along with her.

Until now.

Whitney has returned – wiser, mature, humbled and more cleaned up than she has ever been before and I am grateful: Grateful for many of the things she expressed gratitude for in her interview – which is namely, being shaken out of her misery thanks to the loving grace of God.

With the help of friends and family, namely her mother, Whitney stumbled out of the shadows into the light and what an evolution she has had to go through to make her who she is today.

Her interview blew audiences away with her head-on honesty allowing her to come to terms with her struggles, later saying to Oppie how this interview was a much needed release for her.

I couldn’t agree more.

I hope indeed this interview is a breaking of the emotional and psychological shackles for her at this point because she so deserves happiness right now.

And yes, her voice has gone a little raspy and may not be able to hit the high notes as she was once able to, but to me it’s like experiencing a nice bottle of well-aged wine.

Indeed her struggles, her foibles and her breakthroughs make her every inch the woman she sings about and we need not feel sorry for her at all because she doesn’t.

Whitney – welcome back hon and may this be the beginning of a new journey for you!

60. THE POWER OF NOW

You know? I find it extremely funny and lately, downright annoyed that people around me are defining me.

I mean yes – people have been defining me since I was born.

I was defined female, then I was defined as baby girl, before I went on to be defined by my name, the school I went to, the career I chose and of course, my race, my skin colour and even my behaviour.

And the weirdest thing is, day by day as I get older, I find it harder and harder to define myself!

And that’s because I’m evolving. Evolving everyday.

I can’t promise anyone least of all myself that I’ll be the same as I was yesterday because yesterday and tomorrow don’t exist for me….well, at least lately.

I was reading Dr Wayne Dyer’s latest book ‘Excuses BeGone!’ last week and there was this interesting proposition that he put across in one of the chapters where he spoke about how yesterday and tomorrow really never exists for ANYONE.

The only thing that really matters is today – the now and that all the yesterdays and tomorrows are all made up of our present – our ‘now’ moments.

So if that’s the case, how can anybody even think life itself can be compartmentalised?

Far from it!

If you think it can, I feel sorry for you.

You’re not living from Source. You’re living from your mind.

And the mind builds up ego. Or what I’ve personally called all these years, the ‘e-GOO’.

You limit your options by defining yourself or others. Furthermore, you limit Life itself.

Trust me the Adidas tagline of ‘The Impossible is Nothing’ will not apply to you.

Hence why I find it disturbing that as humans we are always helming ourselves in with illusory thoughts about what situations should be like, what people should be like or how they should act because it only serves to put limits on the whole Life experience.

I also find people’s negativity and pessimism about Life also disturbing because to me it doesn’t align with God (or Source). Putting oneself down or even the act of putting oneself down to fit in with peers hampers so many possibilities – so many options.

And all this coming from someone who used to be negative and pessimistic about my own abilities.

I find that mode of thought does not apply to me now…I repeat….NOW.

And it’s the same for anyone fighting an addiction. It’s what one can do in the NOW that matters more than what one has done yesterday or is planning to do tomorrow.

I dunno. I’m evolving.

And evolving fast.

In such a way that the rules are beginning to fade away.

The rules of work. The fantasies of national patriotism. Governments, regulations, to-dos or not to-dos…

All these fade when one lives in the now.

Even without these rules, when one is harmonious with Nature and aligned with Love, these very same rules simply don’t apply because Nature has NO rules and Life in essence has no rules.

Instead, they all have their TIME. Their ‘nows’.

All in good time, they say.

So fuck the definitions. They mean jack squat in a ladies toilet.

What you are NOW matters more than anything else.

Enjoy it!

59. STANDING UP COMEDY

Ahhhh, it’s been ages since my nappy and me have been around here. 

Things have been happening you know.

I’m  a real busy worm see?

Setting up racial riots in my home country, abducting nauseous colleagues and demanding ransom from their families….

Ya know? That sort of stuff.

No but really, besides sniffing and maintaining a hygienic vagina, I’ve been caught up in the world of art, making plans to make some shorts and get this, doing stand-up comedy.

I’ve been inspired with some really witty observations lately and have been carving out some videos.

I’ve realised that I am kinda sorta funny and I enjoy making jokes so why not start while I’m still older and foolish?

Enough of the excuses, procrastination and fear of being laughed at.

Time to slay a few heads in comedy.

I do know that I’m still a young ‘un in this but I’m relying totally on *Malcolm Gladwell’s advise that one has to clock in at least 10,000 hours into something before becoming real good at it, so here goes hours 1 and 2! (*ref: ‘Outliers’ by Malcolm Gladwell)

Watch this videos and tell me what you think!

PS: These videos were purely homemade experiments so if I look like Steve Urkel, have a good laugh at my expense. It’s OK.

All part of the side-splitting package, no?

58. THE GREAT STREAMLINING EXERCISE

A former work acquaintance on Facebook recently wrote a note about de-cluttering her room and I commented on how I’ve been in the last few months doing the same thing; streamlining Life.

And it’s not just reorganising, rearranging and getting rid of the material stuff you don’t need – it’s also symbolically emptying yourself out.

Yea, it’s an exercise in detoxifying your lives.

Hey, even those fanatically obsessed feng-shui practicioners advise throwing out all your old stuff regularly coz they carry old energies.

And that’s true, you don’t want dark Sith forces lounging about your lounge pad do ya?

De-cluttering is therapeutic.

You would not believe how I’ve got my regular shoes all thrown in a box while all my special occassion heels sit nicely tucked away in my cupboard, ALL LABELLED. 

Yeup! If no one stops me, I’ll be bringing the bloody Dewey Decimal System into my collection of books! I’m THAT obsessed about organising.

My stationary and art stuff are all organised nicely on my desk, all ready to be used, like soldiers on the alert. Markers go in one tumbler, colour pencils another, regular pens in yet another holder.

Developed photographs and film go in one box. 

Cards and letters sent by friends over the years go in another box. CDs go into various CD holders while clothes in my wardrobe are arrange according to short and long sleeves, and later subcategorised into blouses, tees and winter wear.

Stuff that I throw out is duly donated to charities or given away to our domestic help when she feels she wants some of the stuff.

And now, in the midst of a great personal upheaval in my Life, I’m looking to streamline my Life even more, sticking to only the most doggone important essentials.

Besides, for me, I don’t need much personally. A roof over my head, a pillow (no need for bed or mattress, I can sleep on the floor, really), some food n clothing, soap n water, a laptop and public transportation is really all I need to survive.

I’ll save money and get to empty all the unwanted stuff that carries old energy in my Life at the same time. 

And speaking of which, I’ve read this fascinating article twice since I first came across it. A man in Utah, who has essentially learnt how to live without money. Read it. It’ll open your eyes.

http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_9817

I especially like what he says about the role of money in our lives.

Trust me, you’re going to hear great church bells going off in your head after you read what money really is.

57. 3 EPIPHANIES AND A EULOGY

It’s been a week since Nanny’s passing. I know today will be tough emotionally for me because this time last week was her last 2 hours on Earth.

But I don’t want to recount that in my blog today. 

Today, I want to write about how my eyes have been opened on many levels the last week.

Epiphanies are coming through everyday. Veils of illusion being lifted at every turn.

The complex funeral rites culminated in the collection of my granny’s ashes Sunday at the crematorium.

It was quite weird to see how her ashes and bones were carefully arranged to resemble a Keith Harding-like human figure on a metal tray for me and my uncles to conduct the final rites.

I knew my gran was a healthy woman with hardly any problems up until the end when cardiac pulmonary arrest took her and so fascinated yet confused, I took a closer look at what was left.

Her bones were filled with holes (a sign of osteoporosis) and there were lots of them. My uncles said she was a strong and heavy-boned woman and I jokingly replied ‘Yes. It runs in the family’ because all of us are generally tall and big-boned.

But seconds later, a wave of emotions and self-realizations hit me.

She was gone. Really gone.

That’s it.

Reduced to ashes.

Like the Star Trek Enterprise, she had reached the final frontier, except on this one, there’s no return flight.

That was where I had to accept her loss.

The second epiphany was that at the end, we are all reduced to this.

Ash and bones.

And after her ashes had been spread at sea, she was merely fish food.

Yea, and that’s when all the shit I had been complaining about, all the people who had hurt me or loved me and all the materialism and ‘fakeness’ of this world was really reduced to nothingness.

We are nothing. We always are nothing and when we die, our bodies are just that -temporary holding vessels for our spirit.

Wow!

So really…there’s nothing.

All these masks and faces we wear to protect ourselves is nothing.

All these fears , insecurities, pride, ego and arrogance we have? Guys, it’s nothing.

All of this is made-up as we go along.

And it really is up to us whether we want to play the game or not.

Well, I for one, have decided not to play the game as much as I used to.

In fact, I really don’t want to play any game, wear any mask or be attached to anything material because it ain’t real.

There’s no point.

Only love and kindness of spirit really means anything.

What we remember of a person when they die is their laugh, their unending patience, their love, their words of wisdom and what they gave us as well as what we shared of ourselves with them, both bad and good.

I’m going to say that this experience has taught me to be more focused on what is important in my Life and to cull people, activities or goals that are either less important or don’t feel right to me instinctively.

That’s because I’m done with utilitarian friends, things and an approach to Life which I don’t think is humanly of value.

I think of this time as a time for more self-healing and introspection, a time where I de-clutter my Life of toxicity in whatever form it may take so this short time I have here becomes more meaningful in more ways.

I think I’m done at this point blogging publicly about Nanny. However, I do think she will metamorphisize in some other creative form while I’m still alive and kicking, that I’m sure!

But truly with what she suffered in this Life, coming here to Malaya in the late 30s as a married, yet naive 16-year old, thankfully she died in peace.  I know I NEVER could’ve done what she did, as other arrange-married young Indian women of that era must’ve gone through. It simply must have been terrifying and heartbreaking to have been torn away from one’s family and homeland at such a vulnerable age.

That’s why to me, she was truly a strong woman (and not just her bones).

But not only that. She was a great cook (I’m compiling a book of her recipes), a tough, yet loving mother and supportive grandmother and most of all a selfless woman with a great chuckle and perfect dentures.

And I love ya!

56. 100% DEATH

Day 4 since Nanny died.

Still sad and grieving at points.

Still finding more evidence of my Life being meaningless.

Still angry yet happy for  gran’s peaceful end yet still navigating through complex emotions.

Still not in the mood to talk to anyone or engage in anything because realisation has struck that nothing means anything.

We are all ashes and dust.

This body and its thoughts and actions is illusion. I don’t mean anything, really.

Death of body is 100% guaranteed.

Spirit is eternal.